You find out your girlfriend is a cyborg. Half woman, half machine. To make this bombshell even worse, she tells you that her mission was to make you fall in love with her, and her mission is complete. You either submit yourself and become a cyborg, or she must kill you, as part of her mission is to recruit you into the Solar Robotic Army. You’re hurt, of course, but you have a decision to make. What is it?

Sep

You find out your girlfriend is a cyborg. Half woman, half machine. To make this bombshell even worse, she tells you that her mission was to make you fall in love with her, and her mission is complete. You either submit yourself and become a cyborg, or she must kill you, as part of her mission is to recruit you into the Solar Robotic Army. You're hurt, of course, but you have a decision to make. What is it?

Listen, first off. In the history of great questions that have been asked, this is up there with “why did this apple fall on my head?”, “why does the sun cast shadows of different lengths over long distances?”, and “should I mix this with alcohol with Red Bull?”. There are some questions I get that are just purposefully ridiculous, but this could really happen man. So let’s begin, shall we:

I want to start off by saying that any cyborg trying to pass the old metallic one-eye on me should be ashamed of themselves. Because the joke is really on them: I probably would have banged her anyway even if I knew she was a robot. Hell, I’d probably be all about it. I’d take her to meet my parents, even. But this begs some other questions: namely, does she have some wicked-ass robot attachments and/or is she a transformer? Does she have a welding arm? Can she turn into a can-opener? Is she made out of liquid metal and if she can, can she change her appearance ala Terminator 2 and turn herself into other chicks or giant tentacles? My god, the possibilities are endless. So a caveat to all potential cybernetic girls out there who are interested in me: you dont have to hide! I am very accepting.

So let’s forget all that and assume I wasnt aware of her synthetic vaginal canal (wouldnt be the first time). She has confronted me with her prime directive and my current options. I would definitely be sad about the deception and as stated above, disappointed she couldnt have shared her mechanical abilities with me earlier. I imagine there would be long fights. Why didnt you tell me about your rocket heels, I would scream. Why was I never informed that all conversations were recorded to your internal black box, I would cry. Why did you never tell me you were a walking wi-fi hotspot I could have used to check the Internets when we were in the airport? There would probably be plenty of man-tears after such a betrayal. Would her silicon soul even care? Would her resposometers even register a megabyte of emotion? I like to think that, even if it were part of a greater robot mission, that I at least was able to touch something deep inside her motherboard. And that if things didnt work out in the future, maybe we could still be cyber-interface buddies.

Now then, my choice. I’m a little confused here, it seems my choice is to either submit to assimilation into the robot collective or … be killed? I guess I’d have a choice to fight her and although I’ve seen Terminator and realize it’s possible to fight a machine person and win (or at least, run away long enough until you find a way to smash them or dip them in molten hot lava), I admit I’m a lazy person. And I really want that can-opener arm.

So sorry humanity, but I will be more than willing to join our new Robot Overlords.